It was rough getting up this morning at 5:45 when the alarm went off. I was in such a deep sleep and dreaming that it took me a few moments to realize it was going off. Even then, my body didn’t want to move. Kurt, my running buddy, felt the same way getting up this morning.

Still, we got a lap in, despite the pull of the pillow. The air was delicious this morning for being out. It is semi-dark now when we start. Fall is around the corner.

My friend Brenda from dancing is the mother-in-law of San Francisco Giant All-Star Matt Cain. Well, San Fran gave Matt a moment before his start two Saturdays ago to commemorate his perfect game this year (which I caught the last 3 innings of on June 13th, texting Brenda furiously to see if she was seeing baseball history), and Brenda and his family were flown out and got to go out on the field with him pre-game for the ceremony. Well, Brenda knows I love baseball and that jokingly I always bug her about getting me some Giants gear. When she was there, I asked her to steal me Ryan Theriot’s batting helmet. She balked at that (pun intended), but she did bring me back a commemorative pin for me from the day, which she gave to me last night. I was surprised, and grateful.

I am struggling a bit this week on the girl question. After 10 months of silence, she emailed me a week or so go about hearing about my being hurt, and she wanted to get together to “make things right.” I’ve been mourning her absence that whole time, and now that an opportunity for closure or whatever comes along, I am leery to take it. I don’t want to reopen anything. I’m the one who has been hooked on her. She is the one who decided to quit participating in our friendship. I tried and tried to find a way to have a place in her life, but my efforts failed. And I’ve been trying so hard to move on of late. I don’t think her invitation is to rekindle the friendship, and so if it isn’t, I don’t want to meet, because my heart has been so resistant to letting her go, until the last few weeks for some reason. I don’t want to hear a half-answer, or a half-apology, and remain feeling misunderstood and unvalued by her. I don’t want to be a sideshow in her life. I’ve put too much of my heart into it. And I do love her. I just keep asking God for wisdom. But I need to touch base with her soon with a plan.

I got a few chapters read in Judges this morning. Joshua was a bloody book, but Israel followed God’s lead. Two chapters into Judges, the generation that settled into the land has passed on, and Israel is starting to flirt with its neighbors and their gods. How easy we forgot God’s faithfulness, even as he warns us not to. I am also a bit frustrated that I can read and pray, and then 10 minutes later my mind wanders off to Crapville, doubting or lusting or griping. God, thanks for your patience with me.