I wish I knew why I am always looking back. It’s like I am constantly trying to find answers for things that happened back then, as if those answers would change something in my life now. Not that having those answers would change anything.

I guess many people are like this. Maybe that is just being human. We remember, we wonder why things happened the way they did, we wonder if life would be different had we made a different decision at that key moment.

Most of my reflection is emotion-driven. More often than not, my wandering in the past is fueled by my feelings, as feelings are a major motivator for most things in my life.

I suppose that’s a normal human process as well. We move toward and hang on to the things that bring us pleasure and joy, that fill us up, that we know clearly strengthen us. And then there are those past experiences that gouged us pretty good, leaving scars on our bodies and souls. Some of us are good at burying those deep in the emotional filing cabinet, hidden somewhere in the back of a bottom drawer under other riff-raff. And some of us are not so good at shaking stuff.

Most of the time, my emotional drifting is relationship related, which is probably also normal for most people. Because I struggle inside so much with relationships, though, it’s not surprising that lots of this looking back is about them, with the litany of “why?”s usually chased by the affiliated “What’s wrong with me?”

Sad to say it, but the second question also probably fuels a lot of this retrospection. A long time, perpetual survey for reasons, for clues, for pointers, for insights, for clarifications, for adjustments and reversals.

So that tomorrow can be different.