Tonight our church small group got back together again for the first time in three weeks due to the Christmas furlough. It was a joy to be back together with this small cluster of people who have become my circle of closer friends over the last year. I am glad there was a lot of joy when we met up, because this morning I wasn’t sure how things would go.

—

This morning I woke up at about 5:20 so I could prep and meet my buddy Kurt for an early morning run. Kurt had to be in to work by 7:15, so our run was starting about 15 minutes earlier than our usual time. Anyways, my alarm went off and interrupted a dream I was in, and for whatever reason, the dream shook me. I don’t often remember dreams, but this one stood out. It wasn’t long or complicated or belabored.

Simply, it was just a dream that I was meeting my small group people at some gathering in Cape Cod or someplace like it, because it was like we were meeting at a beach house, which was weird. Still, couples and singles representing people in my small group showed up at my bungalow and milled around for a spell, and then one by one, they approached me with reasons as to why they had to leave, and probably wouldn’t be coming back to the group. I don’t remember all of the excuses, but one used a few times was that there was a guy starting a new group that a few couples wanted to check out. And I, seeing each of these friends in my life give me reasons as to why they wouldn’t be coming back to our little circle, felt a conspiracy awaken in my heart, and rejection pour down on me.

Luckily, my alarm went off to keep me from hearing the few final interviews that still remained, and in a drowsy stupor, my heart felt gashed and wide open.

Silently staggered by my dream, I sat up and thought about it for a moment at the edge of my bed, and then I turned a light on and grabbed my smart phone and unlocked it and then opened my mail app, just to distract myself. And there within it was a note from a pretty close friend I had visited with last night, sharing with me that she had had a dream during the night in which she had witnessed a great and violent storm, and somewhere within that drama I was out rescuing my cats. Whatever I was doing in the dream, it left a dark impression on her, and the dream was so troubling that when she awoke from it, she felt she had received a revelation- that we could no longer be friends. She loved me, but it was for the best.

I was stunned.

After dressing in my running stuff, I wandered out and started my truck in the freezing garage. I opened the garage door, and in the pre-dawn quiet I exited the garage and then closed the door and drove in the silence up my street, onto an empty Wyoming, on over to the track.

By the time my drive was done and I met Kurt near the track, my mind was tumbling over the suggestions both dreams had made, and my heart was heavy. For much of the half-hour run we made around the loop, we jogged in silence, staring into the black as we plodded along, and so for much of that time, I just thought. I thought about the meaning of my dream. I thought about my friend pulling away from me. And then I thought about other important people in my past, and how our relationships closed down. I thought particularly of the women I have known that I have loved, and how all of those relationships ended because the gal inevitably left me. And I then realized why my friend was pulling away from me, like many of the other loved ones I have had in my life.

I made too many emotional demands. I feared their evacuation from my life- especially the women I wanted to be so close to- and so I would try to hang on to them. Too tightly. Too seriously. Too possessively. My expectations would go too high, out of control high, because I would become paranoid of losing them. And eventually, because they felt the weight of my expectations, they would have to get away from me.

By the time we rounded the last turn of the loop, my eyes were moist in realization. But at least I understood what my dream was about now.

—

For much of my day, my heart felt raw and formidable angst tried to seize me, but I decided this time I would block it all out and focus on work. I was mostly able to put aside emotion and be productive during the day, except for a moment of weakness when I wanted to moan a little to my friend Wendy. Lovingly, she told me I sounded like I was having a pity party. That shut me up.

—

And so tonight, arriving at my Bible study small group, I was already a little anxious from the morning events. I was as prepared to lead the study as I felt I could be. I got out of my truck, turned toward our meeting house, and felt a sudden wave of sadness move down me. Standing in the street in the quiet, I heard a swell of laughter come from the house which then slowly fell. I took a deep breath, and then walked across the street, up the sidewalk to the path to the home’s front door. I rang the doorbell and waited. In a short time, Tearith my twin opened the door. “Good evening, brother- come on in here!” he bellowed with a smile, followed by a hug.

I was so glad these weren’t my “friends” from my dream.

And my friend Wendy is still right. Enough with the pity stuff. Life is too short.