There are moments when I have a clearing in my life-
when all of the sound is muted
and I am not in the middle
of movement
or mayhem
or deadlines
or desperation
or a flurry of inner noise-

and the sky above me is white

the walls around me are white

the clouds creep by ever so slowly

all is silent

and I, for a moment, can see.

The years behind me.

Phases of fear black blights on the trailing path.
Wasted relationships bowed and faded flower plants.
Wasted hours a long red ribbon stretching into the past.
Love, a fire from behind that illuminates what’s ahead.

How I’ve chosen what I’ve become-

what kind of brother I’ve been,
what kind of worker I’ve been,
what kind of neighbor I’ve been,
what kind of host I’ve been,
what kind of lover I’ve been,
what kind of son I’ve been,
what kind of person,
what kind of life-given human being I’ve been.

There is no blue filter from melancholy,
no yellow filter from shame,
no red filter from rage,
no brown filter from guilt,
no gray filter from deceits shared
with others and with myself
coloring everything before my eyes.

This is who I have become.
This is what I have made of me.

And then I can also see others for who they really are-
life-given human beings,
complex and hungry,
kind and broken,
intentional and debilitated,
hopeful and battered,
hiding and holding on,
putting on airs,
putting on weight,
putting on the full armor,
putting on sunscreen,
putting up,
putting their best foot forward.

We would be friends if we could always see one other like this, I think,
looking at the them,
eye-to-my mind’s eye.
amidst these white walls
under the white sky.

But then the noise and motion returns
crashing like a towering wave of the sea
mindless of the meaning of life and death
a thousand tons dropped from the sky
pushing everything down
and I am swept underneath again.

I grab tightly on to my preferences and biases,
my wounds and my regrets,
my pride and my grudges,
my self justifications and my half truths-
my filters-
and hug them like flotation devices,
daunted in the raging sea,

and I forget.