A friend and I were talking today about the wonders of this modern world we live, which included a detour in which he celebrated the marvel of online dating. I am not familiar with online dating, but he shared with me about some of his experiences. Included in his reflections was his noting how awesome most people make themselves sound in their personal profiles. And I suppose that’s the point. If you are going to pitch yourself to potential suitors, you want to lead with the best, I suppose.

It still made me wonder what it would be like to fill in that personal profile box with candid actualities. In my case, I could think of a few items it would include, if selling one’s self wasn’t mandatory.

It could, hypothetically of course, be something like so:

“Profile Name: BusCommuterBoss

Profile Summary:
I am older, but some would say I am going on 200. That’s what Barbara told me in the office once, because I got upset that someone drank my Pepsi out of the community fridge.

I am an Aries. I don’t know what that means really, but my birthday falls within a date range, and so I am subject to lunar cycles and magnetic pulls from space or something which makes me a great lover some months and a hellacious roommate for the rest of the time- although I wouldn’t know for either because I have not been on a date in 4 years, and I live alone. I am a great lover sometimes and a hellacious roommate sometimes as an Aries, like everyone else in the world is at other times during the year, I think, but it all works out via a shifting law of averages.

I enjoy sitting.

I enjoy eating food warmed in a microwave, especially by someone else.

I collect ear wax, and I have saved nuggets mined from my ear canal in a mint tin for over 4 years now.

I wear the same pair of slacks every day within a week, but I do wash them on weekends because they begin to smell.

I also enjoy watching the TV, including most Geico commercials.

I enjoy going out mountain biking to the 7-11 down the street. I also enjoy Lazy Boy products.

I love long walks to find a gas station when I periodically forget to fill up and the tank runs out because the fuel light on my car’s console is broken.

I have saved my childhood teddy dog as a present for you if you decide I am the one and you marry me. We can refabric it if stains from when Brian Vetch dropped it in his bowl of chili back in third grade bother you.

I try not to cuss, except when I am driving, but I will not be bothered if, when you are driving, you have to swear also.

My legs quick-twitch sometimes when I sleep, and unfortunately once while I was enjoying the comforts of a Holiday Inn room, I somehow kicked and destroyed a night table lamp.

I enjoy working out, Dwight Yoakam films, Ballpark franks, Haggar Expandomatic Stretch Classic-Fit Dress Pants, excessive use of aerosol sprays to cover the stale odor of burnt foods from the kitchen, sleep, ant bait, aspirin, Thermacare products, fine dining, and refried beans.

I am a romantic, and I am desiring to share my love and my mortgage payment with someone like you.”

Something like that.

You can tell I am not ACTUALLY describing myself, because I am not an Aries.