“Then Jesus told His disciple, ‘If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.'”
– Matthew 16:24

There was a time when I read that verse, and it was a shield to me. I knew what it was to close my eyes to my ego, to my biases, to my anxieties, and within Jesus’ words, I felt sheltered. I swam in the river of Love. It didn’t matter what others thought of me. I loved because He loved me.

It comes on subtly, so secretly quickly, hardness of heart. Pricked repeatedly by the barbs of living, the heart strives to recover, and the callouses come. Its walls grow thick. The eyes of the self open, and suddenly, pity and outrage and cravings for comfort awaken the old me, and the ugliness that’s settled in is bare. Wounds remain. The discerning spirit is deaf and dull, estranged.

Lord, hear this stray. Give me new feet and new eyes, and once again, a new heart that is soft and warm, not cold and hard.

Like when I was young, and love had saved a restless man.

I know.

Change has to start in me. And end in You.